I moved to New York City two weeks ago and it feels like life is moving so fast yet somehow not at all. It really is true when they say that no matter where you go, there you are. You’re not outrunning the past or your thoughts, feelings, and anxieties just because you move from small town Spain to one of the most bustling cities in the world. It will still hurt when you find out your ex has a new girlfriend even if he is halfway across the world. It will always suck leaving a place you loved where you had supportive coworkers, funny roommates, and got to be the new and special person from the ~abroad~. Somehow I went from living in a place where I was the most visible person in the room (or even the whole damn town) because I looked different and sounded different. To the living in a city where I literally could not be more invisible. Where no one looks at you twice when you walk down the street or cares about the things that matter to you the most. These differences have been catching up to me in a way I didn’t expect.

All that being said! I should come to expect that I will have hard days like these but also know that the feeling of anxiety and unease will pass. Only a week ago I was only thinking of myself and didn’t think twice about ex-boyfriends or should I even be living in NYC or wow am I really spending all this money on a masters program… but now that I’ve moved in, furnished my room, and have nothing here but me and my thoughts? Those things are all I seem to think about. But like I said, these feelings will pass as they always do. How can I be so silly as to ruminate in the past when so many people would love to be where I am today? I know I know, learn to appreciate what you have and make shit happen for yourself. I will! I will leave my room more and not sit all day in my own thoughts. I will enjoy all this city has to offer and be patient. Friends will come, a job will come, and one day I will look back on all of this and think about how silly I was to stress. As valid and real as my feelings are, I can admit they are fleeting. After all, I only moved here two weeks ago and have already seen and done some really fun things!

During my first few weeks here I have furnished a bedroom that I LOVE (and will not gain negative feelings for just because I can’t escape it right now)! Have had lovely chats with my wonderful new roommate who has her own band and a great head on her shoulders. She introduced me to her band mates and got us into Dua Lipa’s favorite club (Joyface) by knowing the DJ. There we got a free drink and some reprieve from the sweaty club goers behind the DJ booth. I have gotten to catch up with two old friends from University that I adore and cherish. Ravi Coltrane was playing jazz in Tompkins Square Park (which I live by). There have been endless amounts of dogs on the street that have, on one hand, made me smile countless times, and on the other, made me sad that I am not at home with my own dogs. I went on a 6 mile run/walk over the Williamsburg Bridge to Brooklyn which surely gave me hell and taught me the importance of taking up space in this city and enjoying the good weather. More than anything I am having to learn how to be strong in my sense of self. New York will test you as will its people. What I think, is that if I am truly content with who I am, how I feel, my beliefs, what I look like, etc. why should I have a reason to compare myself and make myself feel less than? Goodness knows theres an ocean of people here to compare against.

Another truth? Being an adult is fucking hard. Relationships, breakups, friendship breakups, childhood dogs dying, loved ones aging, money, etc. I’ve always expected myself to be stronger than all of it and face difficulties with grace. Rise up in the face of adversity! What I didn’t realize is how debilitating anxiety, breakups, and change can be. Trying to understand your feelings and make yourself feel better when you can’t even figure out why you’re feeling so bad in the first place. Yet through all of this, I know it will get better and with time, I will come to understand these feelings and if I don’t? That’s okay too. I’m not perfect and that’s also okay. I will screw up sometimes but so does everyone else. We are all just human. It’s true that I want to be good and moral and just, but that is getting harder and harder as I get older. Well let me rephrase, being these things doesn’t feel difficult but making sure my actions reflect them can be. Am I reaching out to this person out of selfish reasons or because I genuinely want them to get my message for their sake? Should I stand up for myself when I’m uncomfortable with something that was said or am I being dramatic? These questions and answers used to feel so much more black and white. Now, there is a massive gray area in the middle that I feel like I am drowning in. Now combine all this with moving to one of the biggest cities in the world! But at the end of the day it doesn’t matter where I am living because I would still be sifting through all these feelings and emotions anyway. After all, where you go, there you are.

– with love, Kathryn

p.s. to me, right now you are missing Spain and the happy memories you had there. The potential for a future that you aren’t living and left behind because YOU knew to follow your heart. Trust that heart and know that Spain and everyone you met there will always have a place in it. For now, you’re living in New York City! Surrounded by wonderful people, music, culture, love, and lights. Enjoy it because it won’t last forever<3